The #1 Agony – Bumps in the Road – Whatever It Takes – Brain Without Trauma (Part 2 of 3) | Lynne Talk

This is one of a series of conversations I recorded with Lynne, my very first good counselor. I saw her for eight and a half years when I lived in Michigan. When I first walked into her office, I was 27 years old with a three-year-old and a nine-month-old, and my life was literally falling apart.

I didn’t know how I was going to make it through each day. I was maxed out emotionally, constantly triggered, and barely holding it together.

Now, years later, I sat with Lynne again — she’s 85 now, living in an assisted-living apartment — to talk about what really makes the difference between staying stuck in survival mode and actually Leaving TraumaLand.

The sound and lighting in our videos might not be perfect, but the wisdom is. I want to share some of that with you here.

When the Triggers Become Too Much to Ignore

When I first started seeing Lynne, my triggers were everywhere.

The birth of my daughter was a huge one.
I would hold her and think, How could anyone do something horrible to a child? It felt like holding myself — my own innocence and vulnerability — and I couldn’t reconcile how people could hurt children.

Then there was the movie “What’s the Matter with Amelia?”
It’s about a father–daughter incest situation, and watching it sent me into a tailspin.

Around that same time, we went to a family Thanksgiving dinner. My three-year-old son was playing with a relative’s son. I don’t know what happened, but suddenly my son started crying. The other boy’s father blamed his son, even though no one saw anything. Then, in front of everyone, he hit his little boy across the side of the head.

I was devastated.

For weeks afterward, I wandered around thinking:

How could he do that to an innocent little boy?

It just wouldn’t compute.
Those moments were like cracks in the dam — the past pushing its way into the present. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. My body, my mind, and my nervous system were all screaming:

It’s time. You can’t keep holding this alone.

And Lynne came into my life right at that breaking point.

The Woman Behind the Healing

When we filmed these conversations, Lynne was 85, living in a small assisted-living apartment. The setup isn’t fancy, but the wisdom is priceless.

When I asked her:

“After working with so many people, what do you think makes the difference between staying in survival mode and really healing — really leaving Traumaland?”

Her answer was simple and powerful.

The People Who Heal Have This in Common

Lynne said that the people who move through trauma — the ones who don’t just survive but grow — share a few core traits:

• Courage

• Determination

• Commitment

• Readiness

Some people simply aren’t ready yet. It doesn’t mean they’re weak or broken — it’s just too overwhelming.

But the people who do the work are the ones who are “up to here” with the memories and pain. They reach a point where they can’t live with it anymore.

She told me about a client who threw up before every therapy session because of anxiety — but still showed up. She faced the discomfort so she could find freedom.

That is courage.

The Two Biggest Agonies Trauma Survivors Carry

Lynne said trauma survivors almost always struggle with two agonies:

1. They blame themselves.

2. They don’t understand why they didn’t tell someone sooner.

Those beliefs become chains.

Kids tell themselves:

• “I should have stopped it.”

• “I must have wanted it.”

• “I should have told someone.”

Lynne’s response is firm and compassionate:

It wasn’t your fault. Ever.

Even if a child seems “seductive” or “flirty,” it is not their fault. Children are naturally sensual — affectionate, curious, physical — and abusers twist that into something it isn’t.

Responsibility is 100% on the adult.

The Trauma of Not Being Able to Tell

One of the deepest wounds isn’t just the trauma — it’s the silence afterward.

Kids are afraid they won’t be believed.
They’re afraid of consequences.
They’re afraid of threats.
They don’t have emotional vocabulary.
They don’t have a mature nervous system.

So they say nothing.

Maggie calls this: A trauma on top of the trauma.

Adults who are hurt can go to the doctor, tell a friend, or seek therapy. Children can’t.

Many survivors tell Lynne:

“I feel like everyone can see what happened to me.”

Maggie: "I felt that too."
That’s how deep shame runs.

Is Healing About the Past or the Present?

I asked Lynne:

“Is healing more about understanding the past, or learning to live differently in the present?”

She said: It’s both.

To live differently in the present, you often have to revisit the past and understand what happened through the eyes of an adult — not the eyes of the child who blamed themselves.

Children don’t think, “My caregiver failed me.”
They think, “I’m bad.”

Healing means going back and telling yourself:

• You were innocent.

• You were worthy of love.

• You didn’t deserve what happened.

• You are still the beautiful human you were born to be.

Once that truth lands, you can begin to choose:

• Who do I want to be now?

• How do I want to live?

• What choices do I want to make for my life?

Healing gives you the freedom to decide.

The “Bump in the Road” Analogy

Lynne shared an analogy I had never heard from her before — and I absolutely loved it.

Imagine your life as a path.
You’re walking along, and suddenly there’s a huge bump in the road — a mind-blowing, painful situation.

Some people come to that bump and say:

“I can’t deal with this.”

They avoid it with drugs, alcohol, shopping, food — anything to numb out.

Others come to the same bump and say:

“I’m not going to let this ruin my life.”

So they climb it.
They cry, process, journal, rage, get support, go to therapy.

And once they get over that first bump, they gain:

• skills

• resilience

• clarity

• confidence

Then, life brings another bump — because that’s life.

But now, they think:

“Okay. Here we go again. I don’t like this, but I can do it.”

And they climb that one too.

This is how people grow.
This is how trauma survivors become some of the strongest people alive.

Taking Responsibility Without Taking Blame

Lynne said something that stayed with me:

I was one of the people who took responsibility for my healing.

That doesn’t mean I took blame for what happened.
Responsibility and blame are opposites.

Responsibility means:

• I chose to get help.

• I showed up even when I didn’t want to.

• I did the work for my kids and myself.

• I refused to live my life in resentment and victimhood.

I could have spent my life saying:

“My parents ruined me.”

But that would have been a waste of my life.

And Lynne agrees — she’s glad I didn’t choose that path.

A Brain Without Trauma

Today, it genuinely feels like I have a brain without trauma.

It’s like the fog lifted, the weight disappeared, and the world opened up.
I love learning. I love growing. I love experiencing life without fear or emotional chaos.

And I wish I had been younger when I reached this place — because now I want to do everything.

This is what healing makes possible.

Courage Is the Path Out of TraumaLand

If there’s one message I want you to take from this conversation with Lynne, it’s this:

Healing is possible — but it takes courage.

Courage to feel.
Courage to show up.
Courage to face the past.
Courage to choose differently in the present.

You don’t have to do everything today.
You don’t have to be fearless.
You just have to be willing.

One small step at a time.

You are not broken.
You are not too late.
And you absolutely can leave TraumaLand.

Take Your Next Healing Step

If this conversation resonated with you, I invite you to take one gentle, brave step today:

👉 Download my free 22-page trauma recovery guide, “A Path to Peace.”
👉 Back to Part 1
👉 Continue to Part 3 of this series.

You deserve healing.
You deserve peace.
And you don’t have to walk this road alone.